Running Away
by Tracy-Lou
Summary: Brendan watches over Ste in his coma following the wedding crash.


Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, they belong to Hollyoaks!

Summary: Brendan watches over Ste in his coma following the wedding crash.

Running Away

What was it people said? _He looks so small. _Propped up in that hospital bed, tubes coming out of his mouth, drip in his hand. But he didn't to Brendan. He had never looked more masculine in fact; his strong hands lifeless and yet just as shapely as Brendan remembered. His bare chest more defined than it ever had been. The light stubble gracing his chin. Even in his weakest state, Brendan had never seen him look so capable, and he knew from recent experiences it wasn't simply a physical thing.

Brendan counted every hour Steven remained asleep. That's what he chose to call it anyway, asleep. Of course Doug didn't want him there, why would he? But they had to put their feelings aside for Steven's sake. When he had first been brought in, Brendan had been manic. He'd cursed anyone who got close enough and yet he knew that if he hadn't been making all these changes, his reaction would have been off the scale. But he sensed that Steven would want him to remain calm and so he did, as best he could.

He took up the night shift, watching over him. He was hardly going to sleep anyway, was he? The hospital was strange at night, as Brendan remembered only too well. The machines beeped every few hours, doctors and nurses whispered together by bedsides. By about the third night Brendan had insisted Steven get his own room. It was unbearable seeing other visitors shuffle around nearby when Brendan simply wanted to be alone with him.

He wanted to speak to him, to tell him everything he felt. Somehow the words got stuck in his throat. Instead he held his hand, the cold metal of his cross a comfort, the wedding ring a bitter reminder.

He looked so peaceful; his long lashes visible and perfect. They'd finally taken the tubes out when he could breathe on his own. Several villagers had brought gifts. Silly things that Steven wouldn't appreciate. Doug had left him a jumper and Brendan had to admit that was useful in itself. Still, his own coat was draped across Steven's chest right now. When Brendan was here, it was only them.

A nurse came in to check him over. No change. She offered Brendan a pillow and he accepted it gladly. No one else had paid him any mind. They knew who Doug was of course but who was the Irish stranger here every night? It made Brendan remember that there was still kindness in this world and he thought briefly of Father Des, and wondered to himself if he should invite him to pray for Steven.

He smoothed the hair back from Steven's forehead. It was starting to grow again and while it lay flat and unkempt, it almost looked like it used to when Brendan had first met him. He did miss the fringe.

"Steven," Brendan found himself whispering. "Can I request ye don't cut it again? And for the love of all things holy, don't dye it black like last time." Brendan smiled to himself. It felt so good to just speak to him. He missed the banter back though. He imagined Steven telling him to sod off, it's his hair and he'll do as he pleases, end of.

Brendan left his hand resting on the top of Steven's head as he continued speaking.

"The kids are missing ye. They're trying to contact Amy…" Brendan trailed off, distracted. "Douglas is… well, ye know. And I'm-" Brendan stuffed his fist into his mouth, overcome momentarily. "Fuck, Steven… I can't believe ye are here. It's not right, ye should never be here." Brendan remembered how many times both of them had ended up here; sometimes because of each other, other times not.

They seemed forever destined to be broken down. Brendan hated to think of it as divine intervention, because Steven was a good man, a much better man than him, and he didn't deserve this. A part of him blamed himself for not stopping the wedding. If there had been no wedding, Steven wouldn't be here. If Brendan had stepped up to the plate sooner they would have been together, not him and Douglas. Brendan also blamed Douglas in some ways, but that was another story.

Brendan's fingers curled around the strands of hair. He took a deep breath and steeled himself. Now was the time to reveal all. They were alone, for the most part. There were certain things Brendan would find too difficult to say to him conscious. Besides, he was with Douglas, what good would it do? No, Brendan wanted to simply say his goodbyes. He'd planned to go to Dublin soon, to take his mind off of things. But that would come when he knew Steven was awake.

Brendan closed his eyes, bowing his head as though in prayer.

"Steven… I'm sorry, for everything. I know ye don't wanna hear that, I know it doesn't change anything. But I've been away, as ye know, and I've had a lot of time to think. I thought I could escape ye somehow if I left, I thought I could make it disappear. I guess I've been doing that for months. But it doesn't go away, ye are always there, under my skin. I can't let ye go, I'll never be able to. I… well, ye know." Brendan opened his eyes, staring into his face. "I love ye." he said very quietly. He leaned forwards to press his lips to his forehead.

He made to leave then, it was almost morning. But Steven's lips began to move. Brendan bent his head low enough to hear the soft murmur.

"Brendan…"

Brendan pulled away, staring incredulously into his face. "You're awake?"

Steven's lips curved into a smile. "You love me."

Brendan glanced away, embarrassed. "Ye should have told me ye were awake."

"I've been awake for ages." Steven revealed, his eyes flickering open. "I was waiting for you to talk to me."

"Steven… that's crazy." Brendan sat back down, leaning in close.

"How else were you gonna tell me?"

"That hardly matters, after what ye have been through."

"No," Steven said croakily. "It matters more _because _of what I've been through."

Brendan didn't know what to say to that. "I can't stay, the others will be here soon."

"Others?" Steven looked at him in utter confusion. "The kids haven't been in have they? I don't want them to see me like this."

Brendan shook his head. "Cheryl's been helping out with them."

"They're okay?" Steven asked fearfully.

"A bit shaken but otherwise fine."

Steven breathed a sigh of relief. "And everyone else?"

Brendan looked away awkwardly. "Now's not the time to talk about that, Steven…"

Steven stared at him, tears beginning to form in his eyes. "Someone didn't make it, did they?"

Brendan bowed his head, his grip tightening on Steven's hand. This alerted him to what he was holding.

"Your cross." he said in wonderment. "Why do I have it?"

Brendan shrugged uncomfortably. "Thought it might help ye."

Steven smiled at that. "I'm not exactly religious, me but… thank you, it means a lot."

Brendan grunted in response. He was finding it difficult to release Steven's hand.

"I have to go, before Douglas gets here."

Something flickered across Steven's face. "Stay a minute." he said eventually. "I'm still so tired." His eyes began to close.

"I should get someone."

"Not yet." Steven opened his eyes a fraction. "Lie with me."

"There's no room."

"Make room then."

Brendan sighed. "Bossy fella ain't ye?"

Steven shrugged. He was staring at Brendan strangely. "Please, Bren."

Brendan stood up, positioning himself half on the bed. Steven couldn't move much but he was able to rest his head against Brendan's chest.

"That's better." he whispered, and fell promptly asleep again.

A few hours later, Brendan removed himself from the bed when the nurse came in. She looked at him in some surprise but didn't comment. Brendan told her Steven had woken up and she smiled at him, telling him she'd go and inform the doctor.

Brendan was halfway out the door when Steven stirred again.

"Don't want you to go." he said hoarsely. Brendan closed the door again.

"Why not?"

Steven closed his eyes, seemingly unable to answer.

"Steven?"

"You have to stop running away, Brendan. From me, from everything."

Brendan walked towards the bed once more. "Is that so?"

"Yes." Steven said clearly. "When I'm out of here, we're going to have words."

Brendan smirked a little. "That almost sounded threatening."

"Maybe it is!" Steven pouted. "I'm tired of it all, Brendan. I don't want to pretend I don't feel anything for you, it's stupid."

Brendan's breath caught in his throat. "These things ye say are enough to make a man hope."

"Maybe he should." Steven said, his eyes boring into Brendan's.

They were interrupted when the doctor entered the room. Brendan stepped outside a moment, his eyes remaining fixed on Steven.

"Time to go, Brendan." Douglas had appeared, looking rattled.

"He doesn't want me to." Brendan answered sternly.

"He doesn't know what he wants." Douglas turned to him. "I think we both know that."

"He needs time." Brendan said, attempting to reassure himself.

"What do you think he needs, Brendan?" Douglas looked genuinely curious.

Brendan considered that. "Not me, that's for sure." he said eventually.

Douglas bowed his head, not saying a word.

"I should go." Brendan announced. He turned to leave but then paused. "Just know that I will be back, and if Steven wants me here I'm not going anywhere."

"I hear you." Douglas replied. "Same applies for me, got it?"

"Got it." Brendan nodded, striding away. He was going to take Steven's words to heart, he wouldn't run away from this, not this time.


End file.
